We all have that “one” embarrassing moment in our lives that we would love to forget. You know the one where you’re praying the earth will open up and swallow you whole so that you never have to be seen again? Yep, that one. If you only have one…well, aren’t you lucky! I’ve often said that when God needs a laugh he pulls up his recliner and clicks onto my life channel. This was one such episode…
Back when my nest contained only one little birdie, I was a part-time working mom. Working eight hours, with an hour commute, and then picking up my son from the sitters made for some long and exhausting days. It was on one such day that my husband, bless his heart, had invited two young men from our church, in their twenties, to join us for dinner. But I thought, I’m super woman! I can do this! Heck yeah!
When I arrived home, my son had fallen asleep, so I put him to bed. This will be perfect! I can hurry and get dinner into the oven, throw together a salad, set the table and we’ll be good to go! Just call me “Martha!” On that day I had worn a very nice black skirt with a beautiful black and white knit sweater. It was a lovely outfit, but comfortable it was not. I had every intention of changing.
With ten minutes to go, as I was racing around trying to put our meal together, hoping my husband would arrive home before dinner so that I could squeeze in a “superman” change of clothes, the door bell rang. I thought to myself, Oh great! Now I don’t have time to change and I’ll be uncomfortable all evening! It was at this exact moment in time that God pulled up that recliner, sat back, and clicked the Jumbotron ON!
I answered the door and invited in the two very good-looking young men. (Now, please keep in mind, that I was a very young mother! I wasn’t exactly comfortable playing hostess.) They came in and sat down in our little living room on the sofa. I took the seat across from them, on the love seat. I smoothed out my skirt, crossed my ankles, and gave my winning smile. (My lady like manners would have made Grandma so happy!) Well, I’m making all the appropriate small talk, occasionally checking my watch, and wondering when my husband will be home. Suddenly, one of the young men makes a very funny comment! In response, I throw back my head in great gales of laughter.
Now, I’m not sure how it happened, I just know it did. I’ve tried to come up with a rational explanation. Maybe that old wire just decided it had had enough of holding up the “sisters” and it was time for a great escape? Maybe it was lonely and wanted to see what all the laughter was about? Maybe, just maybe, it was looking for a new employer? One in a different color with a little lace? Whatever the reason, in an extreme act of defiance, in an outright REBELLION defying the laws of gravity, while reveling in my perfect hostess-like “you’re the funniest man I’ve ever heard” fits of laughter, the underwire from my bra had slithered out of its casing, up past my camisole, through my sweater! It must have looked like some alien antennae was sticking up out of my chest, searching for signs of intelligent life! If so, it was out of luck because there wasn’t any here!
As my head came flinging back down, as a head will do when in a fit of laughter, I felt something go up my nose. I froze. What on earth! With my chin resting on my chest, my eyes slowly crossed and glided down the bridge of my nose. As my eyes zeroed in on the object, they widened in horror! Fire shot up my face! There, sticking up out of my sweater, was the underwire to my bra and it was lodged up my NOSE! The underwire of my bra was UP MY NOSE! Can you picture that? STOP! Think about this…the underwire of my bra is now up my nose in front of two; twenty-something, men! I broke out in a sweat! I couldn’t breathe! My face was still aflame! Actually, I think it was burnt to a crisp! My mind was racing…I have a wire up my nose! The wire from my bra is UP. MY. NOSE. Oh, Good Lord! (I wasn’t using his name in vain. At this moment I was sincerely praying for divine intervention!) Think brain, THINK! Engage! Do something! Breathe, I need to breathe. Naw, maybe dying right now would be better! Okay, okay, okay, how do I get out of THIS gracefully? And then, my brain, remember no intelligent life going here, says “Hey, just grab it and pretend it’s a mini microphone and order two hamburgers with a side of fries and a chocolate shake!” Really brain? Really!!! That’s all you got for me right now?
So, I did what any totally demoralized woman would do. I dislodged the offending object from my nose, covered it with my hand, excused myself, and struggled up off the sofa while never removing my hand from my chest. Yes, that was MUCH less awkward. Hello! I must have look like a moron! I suppose I could have lept to my feet and begun the pledge of allegiance, but at that moment escape was the only thing on my mind!
When my husband arrived home a few minutes later, he found me hiding in the bedroom closet trying to shove that wire back down my bra, hissing “It’s Alcatraz for you buddy!”He asked me what was going on, as he could clearly tell I was upset. I explained what had just happened, and to his credit, he did try not to laugh. He kept patting my back and telling me that he didn’t think they had noticed! I whisper yelled (Don’t tell me you women don’t know what a “whisper yell” is. You’ve all done it!) “How did they not notice that a big thick wire was UP MY NOSE?!” He really had no good response for that!
I managed to scrape up what little was left of my dignity and return to serve dinner. How those two young men didn’t fall over into fits of laughter is beyond me. The only thing I know is that I haven’t owned another underwire bra since! Gravity is working against me anyway and I’m not taking any chances of a repeat performance! So, the next time you walk out of a bathroom with toilet paper trailing behind you, remember, it could always be worse! SO much worse!
It happens every year… Mother’s Day! The day all mothers secretly anticipate glorious, wonderful…